Totally Accurate Battle Simulator: Humorous but Ultimately Unfulfilling Warfare

Totally Accurate Battle Simulator, known as TABS, was a ridiculous single-battle micro strategy game announced sometime back in 2017 (I believe), and after a very long beta period released on Steam's Early Access on April 1, 2019. I was very excited for this, and it basically kickstarted this boom period of build-your-army-for single-battles strategy games such as Ultimate Epic Battle Simulator, Formatta, Ancient Warfare 3, etc. After all the waiting, was it worth it though? Well, yes, and not really. It's definitely the most polished one I've played, and it has a unique style, but I found it to be unexciting and bland quickly.

In the midst of the chaos you can occasionally get some nice cinematic shots, were they not so goofy.

 The gameplay is essentially everything in this title, and to its credit it is an interesting concept. So in a pre-made scenario (of which there are a multitude and a workshop feature) you see your opponent's army, formation, and composition, and it is up to you to counter this through using a variety of units from a plethora of time periods and cultures, all combined into stereotypes/themes. You're limited in the units you can choose by both restriction and by a pool of points you use to purchase units for a battle. You'll never be able to replicate your foe's army and composition, and thus you're forced to think creatively/deviously to overcome this. However, the problem with this is that apart from a few units that transcend such a definition most fall into rock-paper-scissors categories. Once you get the hang of it there's not really much challenge at all except for your point limitations, which induces a feeling of sameness to the engagements. On top of this your troops are dumber than a third generation community with lead in the drinking water, and they'll frequently get in the way of each other and ruin your plan in their charge to dog pile the enemy (the only strategy they have, seriously?). There's no option to issue basic orders, like stand ground, or to maintain formation, which would make for cooler battles. The dog pile issue is compounded with battles with siege weapons, which often turn into both sides fruitlessly flinging shit at each other. If you tire of the scenarios, take heart, you can always make your own battles, which I did three times before becoming bored with it somehow.

Bro can I use your matchlock?

Fortunately there's a lot of units to choose from, though with some combinations notwithstanding they fall into several categories regardless of era. You have trash infantry, whose only job is to swarm, dog pile, or otherwise act as a doorstop for the enemy's charging units. Then there's the infantry, which is similar to trash except that they're capable in a fight, followed by the heavy infantry, which also generally have a shield. There's also shields, which are basically trash infantry but with body shields. Then there's the ranged, which we see a lot of differentiation and wacky gimmicks, like ice archers and archers that fire snakes. This is followed by what I refer to as sweepers, that are hard counters to mobs of units, like mammoths and longboats, but also scythmen and wheelbarrows. Then there's the obligatory siege engines (no trebuchets, sorry) and the specialists, which are of varying degrees of obvious utility, like priests, crow dudes, and bards who run away at the sight of the foe (useful for breaking up enemy groups).

Here we see the valiant knights be dog piled (and ultimately defeated) by the uncivilized hordes in a custom battle I made.

In terms of aesthetics this is definitely the best battle builder I've seen, with a few variants of each battlefield, which are both quite different and add new strategic challenges. Also charming are the units themselves, each of which are easily distinguishable from the others and who each feature google eyes. Have I mentioned that these guys love to fly? The inclusion of a pause feature (by choice and on victory/defeat) can capture a ton of hilarity from these puppet like soldiers with their squeaky voices. Unfortunately besides this there's really nothing else to say about this game's graphics or soundtrack, it's all rather bland.

Sometimes the terrible AI of the units can be a lifesaver to your build, nothing is scarier that getting drive-by-ed by a guy throwing tomatoes in a wheelbarrow.

So that's Totally Accurate Battle Simulator, a game that I was very excited to play but became bored with quickly. There's no story, so there's nothing to keep me engaged besides the gameplay (which is an interesting premise). It's not a terrible game, just limited in its capacity and by its very design. Best bought as a bit of harmless afternoon or stress-relieving fun, you could pass on this title and not miss anything, but it does have its moments, though fifteen bucks is asking a bit much.